She stops my bones from wondering just who I am; some nights I wish that this all would end, cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again. So is this it? I sold my soul for this? Washed my hands of that for this?
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me. I called you up, but we both agreed it's for the best that you didn't listen. For it's best we get our distance...
You
We're so good now. We're happy now. But you still bring up the past whenever you can, torturing me by constantly reminding of the things I said, did... and didn't do. I've made a lot of bad decisions, but I can't rewrite the past. Every flashback makes me hate myself a little bit more, and It's dragging me away from reality. The memories keep me up at night. It's slowly killing me...
You might subconsciously want to burden me with the pain you felt, so let me tell you now: It's working. And it hurts. It hurts to know that the best I can do is try to create a beautiful future for you... with you, knowing full well you'll never forgive or forget the past.
You might subconsciously want to burden me with the pain you felt, so let me tell you now: It's working. And it hurts. It hurts to know that the best I can do is try to create a beautiful future for you... with you, knowing full well you'll never forgive or forget the past.
Judicial system
Just a little philosophical session because why not? My posts have kinda derailed into the whole ranting about my feelings deal, and to be honest, though it helps me release pent up emotions, I don't particularly want (nor do I enjoy) this type of content on the internet. So like I mentioned at the start, I’m going to get philosophical in this post because I want people to think really hard about the topic of crime. I tried getting you guys to think about the idea of eternal nothingness after death, but only a few people managed to fathom (and comprehend) the idea that similar to pre-birth, those billions of years of nothingness before you came into existence, our death will inevitably come and we will experience that nothingness for all eternity; that is, (rationally) assuming there is no potential for ‘life after death’.
I want to start off by asking you, the reader, what defines a crime? Take a moment to think about this. What is crime? Surely the simplest and most common answer would be an act of breaking the law, but then we’re required to ask many more questions. Why are these laws in place? Who makes these laws? Why do laws constantly change; why is it that the nature of these laws and crimes, and what we consider to be criminal constantly change? And why is what is considered a crime in some places considered acceptable in others?
These are the kind of questions that challenge humanity and society.
If you want to break it down to the most comprehensible level, you can rationalise that any individual’s actions that harm members of society, negatively affect said society or impact on the functioning of society can be deemed as a crime. When you think about it at this level, it’s the ideal definition. The way we constitute a crime is by looking at an individual’s action and intention. You’ll get that a lot: act and intent. What was the intention of that action? Why did they do that? It’s very simple to comprehend that every action has an intention (with a small exception of those mentally ill and therefore unaware of the action and/or intention), but this is challenged when we think about victimless crimes.
If we look at victimless crimes, the action and intention are still there, and I’ll provide an example. Marijuana users—they don’t hurt anybody, and most people know there are no short term side effects on the consumption of marijuana (though I don’t encourage it, I’m not exactly condoning it). It’s even prescribed by doctors in some cases; but otherwise it’s illegal. Only because it’s a drug that alters our state of mind—it affects our psychological state. You’ll find that most drugs that affect our psychological wellbeing are illegal. It’s against the law. It’s a crime. But it’s a victimless crime; but nevertheless, it is a crime. And then there is alcohol. Alcohol is not illegal, though it may as well be, seeing as the effects of alcohol and alcohol abuse is much more devastating than marijuana use, or abuse for that matter. Think about how many times you’ve heard of cases where a husband has just gone home from a night of intense drinking and decides to beat the shit out of his wife and kids. Do you think a stoner would come home from a night of smoking pot and beat up his wife? Probably not (mainly because stoners don’t even leave their homes or have wives for that matter; but this is a hypothetical scenario, damnit!). But obviously it’s a dumb idea to place a prohibition on alcohol; remember how well that worked out?
So is it really a crime to smoke marijuana? The judicial system says yes, but if you think about it, there’s no real harm.
Is it a crime to drink alcohol? No. But the number of alcohol related violence is staggeringly, astronomically higher than marijuana related violence. I don’t think such a thing even exists.
Crime is a funny thing, and not to say that criminal activity is one to be taken lightly, but the fact that some acts are classified as criminal and some are perfectly legal when they ought not to be, is quite amusing to me. Humans are weird. That’s all I have to say about the topic.
To conclude, I want you think about this. Why is it that certain crimes have less weighing in some societies than in others? When we look at religion, they’ve never had a problem with killing. In fact, some religions promoted it! (You know which religions I’m talking about…) Yet they’ve had to amend those sections in their ‘holy books’ to fit societies evolving standards of what we consider righteous and what we consider barbaric. But if the law is constantly changing, and what we considered legal and acceptable just 500 years ago (the sanction and encouraging of conviction (it was really just slaughter, crucifixions and burning of supposed ‘witches’; and keep in mind over 60,000 were killed) is now completely insane; do you think something we consider legal today will be illegal tomorrow? (not literally 24 hours later, of course)
19/02/12
She didn't show up last night; I don't know why and I'm not going to find out. As much as it breaks my heart, I have to let her go like she let me go... it's time to face the fact that friendship ends... even the ones that have endured for 16 years.
I will always love her, and if she asked me if we could be friends again I'd say yes in a heartbeat. But until then...
I will always love her, and if she asked me if we could be friends again I'd say yes in a heartbeat. But until then...
Lack of posts
Sorry for the lack of new posts; my sisters wedding is coming up and I'm kind of busy helping out with that, as well as feeling nervous about seeing her [Everybody Lies post] again. I'm doing that silly thing where you visualise every hypothetical scenario imaginable, and then plan your responses and actions in accordance to the events; the worst case scenario, (If I don't get what I want-- her), I'll just tell her how happy I am that she seems to be happier without me. At least then I won't sound so selfish to her.. or maybe deep down I'm hoping she'll take me back out of pity.
5 days...
I have a post scheduled to be posted on the 20th (reason being I'm still working on it). Thanks for being patient with me, everybody.
5 days...
I have a post scheduled to be posted on the 20th (reason being I'm still working on it). Thanks for being patient with me, everybody.
Really?
I've been getting a lot of messages from people about the post under this one: "Everybody lies" cause apparently nobody could understand the subtle humor/irony in the post, so let me break it down.
In the first paragraph I write that I didn't want to express my feelings over my blog, but I do so throughout the post. The title is "Everybody lies". I thought it'd be obvious what I was trying to do. It's also trying to convey that I can't keep my feelings bottled inside anymore, hence why I said I was "broken". The content itself is all true, though I can't objectively say I didn't over exaggerate or underplay the events. So yes, I like playing around with my posts and adding in subtle forms of humor; personally I see nothing wrong with it, and if someone manages to pick up on it and gets a good laugh out of the irony, great, I'm a happy guy.
I don't mean to sound condescending or anything... I just don't want to get any more messages about it. I have something to get off my chest right now as well, so you can expect a new post by tonight
In the first paragraph I write that I didn't want to express my feelings over my blog, but I do so throughout the post. The title is "Everybody lies". I thought it'd be obvious what I was trying to do. It's also trying to convey that I can't keep my feelings bottled inside anymore, hence why I said I was "broken". The content itself is all true, though I can't objectively say I didn't over exaggerate or underplay the events. So yes, I like playing around with my posts and adding in subtle forms of humor; personally I see nothing wrong with it, and if someone manages to pick up on it and gets a good laugh out of the irony, great, I'm a happy guy.
I don't mean to sound condescending or anything... I just don't want to get any more messages about it. I have something to get off my chest right now as well, so you can expect a new post by tonight
Everybody lies
I've written and deleted the content of this post over twenty times now. I can't find the right words to convey how I feel about this topic and what I'm trying to tell you guys. My original post was slightly over 2000 words, but proofreading it only showed me how incredibly lost I was whilst writing it. I rambled on from one topic to the other without structure or a set idea in mind. I kept writing until I felt satisfied about letting out all my bottled up emotions, but the last thing I want to do is put it up on the web.
After a lot of thought, the title 'Everybody lies' seemed most suitable for this post. This is how I feel:
I feel broken. My childhood friend-- my best friend... no, former best friend, left me about a year and a half ago. It's actually hard to pinpoint exactly when because we've always had an on and off type of friendship since I was never exactly the most thoughtful and selfless person in the world. I did a lot of things I regret, but I don't understand why we stopped talking over something so stupid. Perhaps it's my fault for not trying hard enough to get her back, but when she told me she was through, I took it to heart, and I tried my best to accept it. She was too good for me anyway. She was amazing. An excellent artist, highly intelligent, funny as hell... oh and she was very beautiful. Meanwhile there was me-- bland. There's nothing I can say to describe my personality in a positive light. I'm narcissistic and apathetic, emotionally detached from the world and as so many have put it "heartless".
I knew her since birth. I have very fond memories of our time as children, how we were so carefree and didn't fully grasp the idea of friendship and its importance. There were also a lot of bad memories, but when I try to think back to those exact memories, all I see is a giant blur. I've despised and denied my past for so long that I've completely erased it from my memories. All I know now is that I was an outcast as a child; I was overweight, and kids didn't want to play with me as much as they did with her. I was left out of a lot of activities not only because I wasn't accepted, but because I was also physically incapable of having a normal childhood. I spent most of my time on the computer or playing video games because the real world was so cruel. I established friendships with people online and faked everything about myself for fear that if they knew who they were really talking to, they too would leave me.
I've grown up a lot since then. I didn't turn out the way I wanted to, but I've lied to myself for so long that I've accepted these lies as reality. I tell myself that the reason why people don't want to be friends with me is because they know I won't make time for them, but really, I think I'm too mysterious for their liking; the fact that I don't open up to them is suspicious. I'm hiding who I am and what I've become because I'm lonely enough as it is. If you go back to my earlier post in January (I think it's my third), I say that I really only have 4 friends who genuinely want to hang out with me. Now I have none. Except now it's different. Now I don't care. I don't want friends because with friendship comes trust, and with trust comes lies. And lies end up with someone getting hurt.
I don't want to hurt anymore. It's a very cliche thing to say, but after I lost my friendship with her, I started to drift away from everybody. I figured if somebody who cheered me at my best and comforted me at my worst; somebody who knew everything about me... couldn't even stand the sight of me anymore, there would be no more light at the end of the tunnel.
To this day I tell myself the reason she left me was because of that one incident where we made plans, but I forgot I already had to do something, so I told her "next time", and when my plans for that day were cancelled, I figured I'd take it as a day off to just relax, but when I told her, she wouldn't have it. I had betrayed her.
I tell myself that this is the reason she left me, but I know she's too good of a person to leave for such a simple reason. There's so much more to it, and though I haven't spoken to her in a long time, I will see her again in 18 days.
I just hope she still thinks about me as much as I've thought about her, because I'm terrified of closing this chapter of my life for good. As much as I want closure, I'd still like to lie to myself into believing that the reason for her departure was not entirely on me-- that she had some issues of her own. And hypothetically speaking, if she tells me it isn't completely my fault, I still might not believe it... Everybody lies.
But as long as she's with me, I'm willing to lie to myself for the rest of my life.
After a lot of thought, the title 'Everybody lies' seemed most suitable for this post. This is how I feel:
I feel broken. My childhood friend-- my best friend... no, former best friend, left me about a year and a half ago. It's actually hard to pinpoint exactly when because we've always had an on and off type of friendship since I was never exactly the most thoughtful and selfless person in the world. I did a lot of things I regret, but I don't understand why we stopped talking over something so stupid. Perhaps it's my fault for not trying hard enough to get her back, but when she told me she was through, I took it to heart, and I tried my best to accept it. She was too good for me anyway. She was amazing. An excellent artist, highly intelligent, funny as hell... oh and she was very beautiful. Meanwhile there was me-- bland. There's nothing I can say to describe my personality in a positive light. I'm narcissistic and apathetic, emotionally detached from the world and as so many have put it "heartless".
I knew her since birth. I have very fond memories of our time as children, how we were so carefree and didn't fully grasp the idea of friendship and its importance. There were also a lot of bad memories, but when I try to think back to those exact memories, all I see is a giant blur. I've despised and denied my past for so long that I've completely erased it from my memories. All I know now is that I was an outcast as a child; I was overweight, and kids didn't want to play with me as much as they did with her. I was left out of a lot of activities not only because I wasn't accepted, but because I was also physically incapable of having a normal childhood. I spent most of my time on the computer or playing video games because the real world was so cruel. I established friendships with people online and faked everything about myself for fear that if they knew who they were really talking to, they too would leave me.
I've grown up a lot since then. I didn't turn out the way I wanted to, but I've lied to myself for so long that I've accepted these lies as reality. I tell myself that the reason why people don't want to be friends with me is because they know I won't make time for them, but really, I think I'm too mysterious for their liking; the fact that I don't open up to them is suspicious. I'm hiding who I am and what I've become because I'm lonely enough as it is. If you go back to my earlier post in January (I think it's my third), I say that I really only have 4 friends who genuinely want to hang out with me. Now I have none. Except now it's different. Now I don't care. I don't want friends because with friendship comes trust, and with trust comes lies. And lies end up with someone getting hurt.
I don't want to hurt anymore. It's a very cliche thing to say, but after I lost my friendship with her, I started to drift away from everybody. I figured if somebody who cheered me at my best and comforted me at my worst; somebody who knew everything about me... couldn't even stand the sight of me anymore, there would be no more light at the end of the tunnel.
To this day I tell myself the reason she left me was because of that one incident where we made plans, but I forgot I already had to do something, so I told her "next time", and when my plans for that day were cancelled, I figured I'd take it as a day off to just relax, but when I told her, she wouldn't have it. I had betrayed her.
I tell myself that this is the reason she left me, but I know she's too good of a person to leave for such a simple reason. There's so much more to it, and though I haven't spoken to her in a long time, I will see her again in 18 days.
I just hope she still thinks about me as much as I've thought about her, because I'm terrified of closing this chapter of my life for good. As much as I want closure, I'd still like to lie to myself into believing that the reason for her departure was not entirely on me-- that she had some issues of her own. And hypothetically speaking, if she tells me it isn't completely my fault, I still might not believe it... Everybody lies.
But as long as she's with me, I'm willing to lie to myself for the rest of my life.
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