On my oldest, functioning computer, I have chat logs extending back to 2006. It's so hauntingly beautiful how much has changed... how much I've changed.
Reading these logs from 2006 to 2011 brings up so many undesirable feelings and memories I thought I had left in the past... and raises so many unanswered questions.
How did I become so heartless as opposed to being so sympathetic when I was younger?
How did I go from loving my ex-best friend to not talking to her anymore?
But from what I observed the most from reading all these logs... why does love hurt so much?
It's horrible to know that the people I have ill feelings towards I hurt less than those I care for, and vice versa. So much has changed... and it's funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back... everything's different.
Eye can't see
I've always been good at hiding my emotions, but every now and then you noticed the little things. A small sigh under my breath that I didn't even realise I had made, or maybe I didn't put the 'smile' into my eyes quite fast enough. You asked me what was wrong, and I blew it off with a silly, semiplausible excuse like "I'm just really tired" or "ha little sighs are a habit I picked up from my dad, I don't even realise I'm doing it sometimes." I didn't wan't you to worry about me, but it felt good that you asked. It felt good that you showed you noticed, and even more important that you cared.
But you also believed me when I lied, and soon the tiny cues that I was having trouble keeping my head up wen't straight past you and you no longer showed me that you noticed, or that you cared. And I know it's my fault. And now that I've shut that door I have noone else that cares.
But you also believed me when I lied, and soon the tiny cues that I was having trouble keeping my head up wen't straight past you and you no longer showed me that you noticed, or that you cared. And I know it's my fault. And now that I've shut that door I have noone else that cares.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)