I have so many important things I should be doing right now instead of this- but I can't start unless I write what's going through my mind. In a sense I am deleting those thoughts from my head and storing it here instead; there is no philosophy or profound meaning in anything I will be typing, nor will it be lengthy or worthwhile to read... but here goes:
I am falling apart. Right before my very eyes I can see everything crumbling to dust; I promised myself I'd be a better person for my sake and for the sake of others I care about, but I'm finding it impossible to do so, especially as of late. Some times it is entirely my fault, and other times I believe it to be the fault of others, but no matter... I am still falling apart.
I am finding that I have little to nothing in common with those surrounding me, and this is a very daunting thought that some time in my future I will have to erect another facade of myself to project onto others to show them I am like them. But I am nothing like them. .
I am finding it increasingly hard to be myself because I am suppressed at every turn. I'm slowly being veered to act and behave in a way that's just not me- just to make others happy. The saddest part is that I don't have the will to resist anymore... I am becoming someone even I don't recognise... and even then, the world continues to shun me.
I can't be happy being myself.
I can't be happy being someone else.
I am losing every part of me that I consider my true self... and despite every sacrifice, I have still failed. To those who love me, and to those I love... they still see failure in me. I can never make them happy.
Perhaps I am not meant to live a life of happiness
Hang in there
Life is a seemingly never-ending cycle of trials and tribulations, but you will push through. I can't promise you anything-- I can't say life has a plan for you, or that you're tied to the string of destiny constantly pulling you towards your fate, or that you're meant for anything great, but I can promise you that you are more than you believe you are.
You can be anything you want, and you can do anything you want. Whatever is holding you back is simply an illusion-- something you have built and established in your helplessness and fear of unfamiliarity. I know you're struggling and I know you're scared of what the future may bring. And I know how much you must fear what lies ahead... but everything you are and everything you will have, and everything you will become depends on your actions right here, right now. Today, tomorrow, a week from now... you must be a little braver.
Every day. A little braver. Every day. A little better.
Right now, you may be a little scared. I could be wrong- you could be scared out of your wits. Whatever the reason, find a glimmer of hope and run. Run towards it. You might not be able to run straight away I understand that. So then walk. Crawl. Stretch out your fingers. Make a commitment to yourself, to become better. You are great- you can be greater. You are grande and magnificent. Really. You may not know it, but you have saved so many people.
How many lives have you touched? How many times have you grabbed the hands of someone on the edge of darkness and said 'I will be the light that guides you'. Where would they be without you? Where would the world be without you? You have saved so many people. You have done so many times what you constantly convince yourself you can't-- you have compassed your compassion and summoned bravery from the deepest depths of your being, but you often forget it. It can be hard to remember, but if you try hard enough you will realise-- the memories will envelope you. Of all the times, for the briefest of moments, you became more than what you believed you were ever capable of.
And you always have been. You just need someone to remind you. So here I am telling you now that you, whoever you are, wherever you're from, whatever you've experienced...
You are amazing. You are capable of anything-- you are more than who you believe you are. You are you, and in and of itself that is and will forever be your greatest accolade.
You can be anything you want, and you can do anything you want. Whatever is holding you back is simply an illusion-- something you have built and established in your helplessness and fear of unfamiliarity. I know you're struggling and I know you're scared of what the future may bring. And I know how much you must fear what lies ahead... but everything you are and everything you will have, and everything you will become depends on your actions right here, right now. Today, tomorrow, a week from now... you must be a little braver.
Every day. A little braver. Every day. A little better.
Right now, you may be a little scared. I could be wrong- you could be scared out of your wits. Whatever the reason, find a glimmer of hope and run. Run towards it. You might not be able to run straight away I understand that. So then walk. Crawl. Stretch out your fingers. Make a commitment to yourself, to become better. You are great- you can be greater. You are grande and magnificent. Really. You may not know it, but you have saved so many people.
How many lives have you touched? How many times have you grabbed the hands of someone on the edge of darkness and said 'I will be the light that guides you'. Where would they be without you? Where would the world be without you? You have saved so many people. You have done so many times what you constantly convince yourself you can't-- you have compassed your compassion and summoned bravery from the deepest depths of your being, but you often forget it. It can be hard to remember, but if you try hard enough you will realise-- the memories will envelope you. Of all the times, for the briefest of moments, you became more than what you believed you were ever capable of.
And you always have been. You just need someone to remind you. So here I am telling you now that you, whoever you are, wherever you're from, whatever you've experienced...
You are amazing. You are capable of anything-- you are more than who you believe you are. You are you, and in and of itself that is and will forever be your greatest accolade.
Cognitive dissonance
Love is so synonymous with cognitive dissonance it may as well be made official. It can make you smile or make you frown, give you laughter or fill you with tears; the simultaneous experience of zenith and nadir is both wonderful and tragic.
I'd like to think that I have grown up a lot, and learned a lot about what it really means to love. There is a fine line between love and infatuation, but in order to find that line, you need patience. If you rush into it too quickly, you may lose feelings quickly, and after you realised you were only infatuated with them, you've sabotaged your own prospects for love in the future.
In order to truly love someone, you need to know them completely- you need to see them at their best and at their worst, and everything in between.
To be in love means you crave for the opportunity to see them again.
To be in love means that every hug is more passionate than the last.
To be in love means that you respect them as an individual. You are not truly in love if you dare to corrupt their priorities for your own selfish agendas.
To be in love means often surprising them, and constantly itching to give it away, because you can't wait to see the look in their eyes, or hear them say the words 'I love you'.
To be in love means you love their flaws, and embrace their insecurities.
When you're ready to fall in love, then by all means, fall in love. But never rush it, or things may end badly. Spending an extended length of time getting to know someone is better than rushing to tell them you love them when you don't really mean it, or when you don't really understand what it means to love, be loved, or be in love. Personally, taking my time has been the greatest thing I have done for myself.
Love transcends; it perseveres- and it is the greatest feeling you will ever know. So cherish it.
Don't be so eager to quit at the first sign of trouble. Work through it, and I promise you things will get better. I promise you, because I know it is true.
I love her, and I know I do because everything I do works towards a better future with her. Every morning I wake up with her on her mind, and every night, I long to hold her. In every waking moment, when she is not on my mind, I am thinking about improving myself to be a better man for her.
I want nothing more than a future where I am happy with who I am and what I have achieved, both of which she has been my reason. My catalyst.
I don't want her to feel like she does not have my full attention, or that I have the desire to be with someone else, though these feelings will always be inevitable, as experience has shown me, regardless of how trustworthy they are. Yet I will put ill thoughts at ease by being by her side, always.
I'd like to think that I have grown up a lot, and learned a lot about what it really means to love. There is a fine line between love and infatuation, but in order to find that line, you need patience. If you rush into it too quickly, you may lose feelings quickly, and after you realised you were only infatuated with them, you've sabotaged your own prospects for love in the future.
In order to truly love someone, you need to know them completely- you need to see them at their best and at their worst, and everything in between.
To be in love means you crave for the opportunity to see them again.
To be in love means that every hug is more passionate than the last.
To be in love means that you respect them as an individual. You are not truly in love if you dare to corrupt their priorities for your own selfish agendas.
To be in love means often surprising them, and constantly itching to give it away, because you can't wait to see the look in their eyes, or hear them say the words 'I love you'.
To be in love means you love their flaws, and embrace their insecurities.
When you're ready to fall in love, then by all means, fall in love. But never rush it, or things may end badly. Spending an extended length of time getting to know someone is better than rushing to tell them you love them when you don't really mean it, or when you don't really understand what it means to love, be loved, or be in love. Personally, taking my time has been the greatest thing I have done for myself.
Love transcends; it perseveres- and it is the greatest feeling you will ever know. So cherish it.
Don't be so eager to quit at the first sign of trouble. Work through it, and I promise you things will get better. I promise you, because I know it is true.
I love her, and I know I do because everything I do works towards a better future with her. Every morning I wake up with her on her mind, and every night, I long to hold her. In every waking moment, when she is not on my mind, I am thinking about improving myself to be a better man for her.
I want nothing more than a future where I am happy with who I am and what I have achieved, both of which she has been my reason. My catalyst.
I don't want her to feel like she does not have my full attention, or that I have the desire to be with someone else, though these feelings will always be inevitable, as experience has shown me, regardless of how trustworthy they are. Yet I will put ill thoughts at ease by being by her side, always.
What keeps me up at night
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I can't help but feel cheated; life is an extremely rare privilege, I know... but why me and why now? Why can't I have been born thousands of years into the future? It fucking frustrates me to know this is it.
This. Is. It.
We have one life, and this is it. Right here, right now. All of this and a few dozen more years is all we will ever experience before becoming nothing more than mere particles to be spread across earth, returning to its rightful place in the universe. I would be so fucking content with life if I were just another person who lived to start a family and be happy with being in love, but no...
I'm too fucking curious.
I stay up most nights and sit outside my room, staring at the stars, well aware they are not what they appear; distant planets, galaxies, nebula's... all exploding and emitting the light we see, millions and some, billions of years ago, only reaching our eyes at that very night, and I can't help but weep silently, having to live with the fact that I will never experience the wonders of the galactic realm. I will never experience the magnificence of setting foot upon another planet, or even live to see the human race colonise a habitable one.
I'll never live to interact with other intelligent life forms from distant planets. Instead... it's just us here on this dull planet with our lack of knowledge and understanding of the intricacies of the universe. I want to know more. I want to see more. I don't want to die yet... not yet. It's not fair...
This. Is. It.
We have one life, and this is it. Right here, right now. All of this and a few dozen more years is all we will ever experience before becoming nothing more than mere particles to be spread across earth, returning to its rightful place in the universe. I would be so fucking content with life if I were just another person who lived to start a family and be happy with being in love, but no...
I'm too fucking curious.
I stay up most nights and sit outside my room, staring at the stars, well aware they are not what they appear; distant planets, galaxies, nebula's... all exploding and emitting the light we see, millions and some, billions of years ago, only reaching our eyes at that very night, and I can't help but weep silently, having to live with the fact that I will never experience the wonders of the galactic realm. I will never experience the magnificence of setting foot upon another planet, or even live to see the human race colonise a habitable one.
I'll never live to interact with other intelligent life forms from distant planets. Instead... it's just us here on this dull planet with our lack of knowledge and understanding of the intricacies of the universe. I want to know more. I want to see more. I don't want to die yet... not yet. It's not fair...
Some nights
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am; some nights I wish that this all would end, cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again. So is this it? I sold my soul for this? Washed my hands of that for this?
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me. I called you up, but we both agreed it's for the best that you didn't listen. For it's best we get our distance...
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me. I called you up, but we both agreed it's for the best that you didn't listen. For it's best we get our distance...
You
We're so good now. We're happy now. But you still bring up the past whenever you can, torturing me by constantly reminding of the things I said, did... and didn't do. I've made a lot of bad decisions, but I can't rewrite the past. Every flashback makes me hate myself a little bit more, and It's dragging me away from reality. The memories keep me up at night. It's slowly killing me...
You might subconsciously want to burden me with the pain you felt, so let me tell you now: It's working. And it hurts. It hurts to know that the best I can do is try to create a beautiful future for you... with you, knowing full well you'll never forgive or forget the past.
You might subconsciously want to burden me with the pain you felt, so let me tell you now: It's working. And it hurts. It hurts to know that the best I can do is try to create a beautiful future for you... with you, knowing full well you'll never forgive or forget the past.
Judicial system
Just a little philosophical session because why not? My posts have kinda derailed into the whole ranting about my feelings deal, and to be honest, though it helps me release pent up emotions, I don't particularly want (nor do I enjoy) this type of content on the internet. So like I mentioned at the start, I’m going to get philosophical in this post because I want people to think really hard about the topic of crime. I tried getting you guys to think about the idea of eternal nothingness after death, but only a few people managed to fathom (and comprehend) the idea that similar to pre-birth, those billions of years of nothingness before you came into existence, our death will inevitably come and we will experience that nothingness for all eternity; that is, (rationally) assuming there is no potential for ‘life after death’.
I want to start off by asking you, the reader, what defines a crime? Take a moment to think about this. What is crime? Surely the simplest and most common answer would be an act of breaking the law, but then we’re required to ask many more questions. Why are these laws in place? Who makes these laws? Why do laws constantly change; why is it that the nature of these laws and crimes, and what we consider to be criminal constantly change? And why is what is considered a crime in some places considered acceptable in others?
These are the kind of questions that challenge humanity and society.
If you want to break it down to the most comprehensible level, you can rationalise that any individual’s actions that harm members of society, negatively affect said society or impact on the functioning of society can be deemed as a crime. When you think about it at this level, it’s the ideal definition. The way we constitute a crime is by looking at an individual’s action and intention. You’ll get that a lot: act and intent. What was the intention of that action? Why did they do that? It’s very simple to comprehend that every action has an intention (with a small exception of those mentally ill and therefore unaware of the action and/or intention), but this is challenged when we think about victimless crimes.
If we look at victimless crimes, the action and intention are still there, and I’ll provide an example. Marijuana users—they don’t hurt anybody, and most people know there are no short term side effects on the consumption of marijuana (though I don’t encourage it, I’m not exactly condoning it). It’s even prescribed by doctors in some cases; but otherwise it’s illegal. Only because it’s a drug that alters our state of mind—it affects our psychological state. You’ll find that most drugs that affect our psychological wellbeing are illegal. It’s against the law. It’s a crime. But it’s a victimless crime; but nevertheless, it is a crime. And then there is alcohol. Alcohol is not illegal, though it may as well be, seeing as the effects of alcohol and alcohol abuse is much more devastating than marijuana use, or abuse for that matter. Think about how many times you’ve heard of cases where a husband has just gone home from a night of intense drinking and decides to beat the shit out of his wife and kids. Do you think a stoner would come home from a night of smoking pot and beat up his wife? Probably not (mainly because stoners don’t even leave their homes or have wives for that matter; but this is a hypothetical scenario, damnit!). But obviously it’s a dumb idea to place a prohibition on alcohol; remember how well that worked out?
So is it really a crime to smoke marijuana? The judicial system says yes, but if you think about it, there’s no real harm.
Is it a crime to drink alcohol? No. But the number of alcohol related violence is staggeringly, astronomically higher than marijuana related violence. I don’t think such a thing even exists.
Crime is a funny thing, and not to say that criminal activity is one to be taken lightly, but the fact that some acts are classified as criminal and some are perfectly legal when they ought not to be, is quite amusing to me. Humans are weird. That’s all I have to say about the topic.
To conclude, I want you think about this. Why is it that certain crimes have less weighing in some societies than in others? When we look at religion, they’ve never had a problem with killing. In fact, some religions promoted it! (You know which religions I’m talking about…) Yet they’ve had to amend those sections in their ‘holy books’ to fit societies evolving standards of what we consider righteous and what we consider barbaric. But if the law is constantly changing, and what we considered legal and acceptable just 500 years ago (the sanction and encouraging of conviction (it was really just slaughter, crucifixions and burning of supposed ‘witches’; and keep in mind over 60,000 were killed) is now completely insane; do you think something we consider legal today will be illegal tomorrow? (not literally 24 hours later, of course)
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