I have so many important things I should be doing right now instead of this- but I can't start unless I write what's going through my mind. In a sense I am deleting those thoughts from my head and storing it here instead; there is no philosophy or profound meaning in anything I will be typing, nor will it be lengthy or worthwhile to read... but here goes:
I am falling apart. Right before my very eyes I can see everything crumbling to dust; I promised myself I'd be a better person for my sake and for the sake of others I care about, but I'm finding it impossible to do so, especially as of late. Some times it is entirely my fault, and other times I believe it to be the fault of others, but no matter... I am still falling apart.
I am finding that I have little to nothing in common with those surrounding me, and this is a very daunting thought that some time in my future I will have to erect another facade of myself to project onto others to show them I am like them. But I am nothing like them. .
I am finding it increasingly hard to be myself because I am suppressed at every turn. I'm slowly being veered to act and behave in a way that's just not me- just to make others happy. The saddest part is that I don't have the will to resist anymore... I am becoming someone even I don't recognise... and even then, the world continues to shun me.
I can't be happy being myself.
I can't be happy being someone else.
I am losing every part of me that I consider my true self... and despite every sacrifice, I have still failed. To those who love me, and to those I love... they still see failure in me. I can never make them happy.
Perhaps I am not meant to live a life of happiness
I'm suddenly finding it hard to feel happy again. I'm relapsing to my darkness and I can feel it yearning and grasping at me with ferocity, and the voices are returning. I can hear the quietest whispers in the dead of night where silence once sat, and despite the intensity of external sounds, the voices still whisper to me.
"Come back". And in the brief moment I acknowledge those words I can do nothing but cry. My sole companion- that which layeth in my shadow suppressed by my strong feelings of love and subsequent happiness- has returned. I can only rationalise that because of my swayed feelings of late, it has decided this moment may never present itself again, or that it knows I am drifting into sorrow once more. Loneliness. It is both the feeling I am most comfortable with, and the name I have given to the voice in my darkness. When I felt love, it faded away; does that mean it's return signify that I don't feel loved?
I feel as though I am loved, but not how I wished I would be loved. Perhaps my loneliness can feel that... For a while, I've felt so comfortable with the idea that someday I may end up growing old and although my bones would feel frail and my joints would quiver from weakness, despite my weakened heart and falling of my hair... I would still have her. And she would love me as I loved her, and all was well. These feelings radiated so greatly deep within my being that I felt strong enough to let go of my loneliness, and plunge myself deep into the sea of love, trusting that she would be there to catch me and keep me afloat.
I was shocked to find I fell into a great ocean of unparalleled magnitude. The first thing I noticed was that in the sea... I had no shadow. My loneliness could not follow me here. And she was right there in the ocean next to me, holding my hand to make sure I was safe; she had no shadow herself- she did not experience utter despair as I have- so I felt it was my duty to make sure she never would. The ocean formed waves and we were swept away. In love.
It was only yesterday I had seen the shore for the first time, and there my shadow stood staring into my soul once more. "Come here. Come back to me". It was only then I felt her grip loosen. I couldn't believe the words she said to me that day. I will never forget it as long as I live and despite how long we remain together. It was clear the love I felt for her was different than the love she felt for me, and this sudden realisation lead me to write this post.
You see... although we both love each other with equal strength, she lacked one quality that would bind us eternally in love. Loneliness. I expected too much from her- someone who has never experienced the extent of sadness and longing for any kind of companionship that I felt... how could I have expected her to reciprocate the same type of love as I?
Living with my shadow for so long had accustomed me to the idea that I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I was convinced this was truly my destiny. I was content.
So of course when I fell in love, I knew she was the only person I needed. For the rest of my life, she would be the only person I ever needed.
But I will never be the only person she needs.
I'm not sure how to deal with this realisation.
I cannot force her into my darkness, to feel as I had felt in all encompassing loneliness. And so I can never make her love me the same way I love her. And despite her loving me in all her capacity, I felt my shadow creeping up on me again. Perhaps it's okay to feel a bit of loneliness in love. At least she loves me. I'm most grateful for that.
Yesterday she told me that essentially, without others in her life, she fears she may grow sick of me... that my constant company would someday diminish the love she feels for me. These words crushed me, and I haven't stopped crying since. If I love her any more than I do now, she will leave me. I don't know how to cope...
I have never felt so loved, and so broken at the same time.