Over the years, I’ve noticed a few things about the sexes and I’d like to discuss them—men and women; the big, hairy noisy male creatures and the smaller, smoother but nonetheless also quite noisy female creatures. Here’s all you need to know about men and women.

Women are crazy. Men are stupid.

And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And by the way, if you don’t think men are stupid, check the newspaper. 99% of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated and enabled or continued by men. And that includes the ‘wave’ and the ‘high-five’—two of history’s truly low points. But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it’s also important to remember that women are crazy, and if you don’t think women are crazy… ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about. They know for sure, way down in their heart, that women are straight out fucking nuts. But it doesn’t just happen, it isn’t an accident; women have good reason to be nuts. The main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with—they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the big cosmic cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life, and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are being given several extra portions.

Now please understand my motives here are not selfish or personal. I’m not saying all this stuff to get in good with women, though the occasional blowjob would be nice. But it’s not a requirement; it’s optional! BJO! Blow job optional!

Now, I just think it should be evident to any person who’s being honest and thinking clearly that women carry a lot more of life’s baggage than men. To begin with, they’re smaller and weaker so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused and in general get the shit beat out of them on a rather regular basis—by men of course—who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening! Men would not raise a hand to women if they thought the balance was more equal—they’d back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they probably would be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It’s only fair.

Here’s another physical treat for females—PERIODS! Cramping, bloating and bleeding five days a month—15% of the time! And you can add the time spent with premenstrual syndrome—PMS. Men gave it that name. If women had named it, it would be called ‘my-several-days-of-shrieking-and-crying-and-depression-just-before-my-several-days-of-bleeding-cramping-and-bloating’. Men don’t quite see it from that angle. Men experience PMS as a problem for them!

Here are some more special female advantages, in case you haven’t had enough. Pap smears, mammograms, hysterectomies, mastectomies, miscarriages, abortions, labour pains, episiotomies, stretch marks and breast feeding. And postpartum depression! Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t feel good /sarcasm. And just to top it all off: MENOPAUSE—More strange behaviour and exciting physical sensations… and in exchange for all of this abuse from nature, what is a woman’s payoff? Why, she’s allowed to get on the lifeboat first! At least theoretically. How often do you think that really happens? Oh and let’s not forget many men are quite willing to hold the door open for her. In fact, some men are quite impressed with their willingness to do this—they brag about it.

I’ll tell you what a bad deal women got. They’re in the majority on this planet and they still wound up with the shitty end of the stick. That’s how big a hosing they got. Oh, and one other inequity I neglected to mention… very unequal, but this one works in women’s favour: they live longer than men. And remember this happens in spite of all the shit they have to put up with. So who do you think is tougher— Men or women? Why don’t you guess? And don’t forget, women have this huge added burden of having to put up with men.