I've written and deleted the content of this post over twenty times now. I can't find the right words to convey how I feel about this topic and what I'm trying to tell you guys. My original post was slightly over 2000 words, but proofreading it only showed me how incredibly lost I was whilst writing it. I rambled on from one topic to the other without structure or a set idea in mind. I kept writing until I felt satisfied about letting out all my bottled up emotions, but the last thing I want to do is put it up on the web.
After a lot of thought, the title 'Everybody lies' seemed most suitable for this post. This is how I feel:
I feel broken. My childhood friend-- my best friend... no, former best friend, left me about a year and a half ago. It's actually hard to pinpoint exactly when because we've always had an on and off type of friendship since I was never exactly the most thoughtful and selfless person in the world. I did a lot of things I regret, but I don't understand why we stopped talking over something so stupid. Perhaps it's my fault for not trying hard enough to get her back, but when she told me she was through, I took it to heart, and I tried my best to accept it. She was too good for me anyway. She was amazing. An excellent artist, highly intelligent, funny as hell... oh and she was very beautiful. Meanwhile there was me-- bland. There's nothing I can say to describe my personality in a positive light. I'm narcissistic and apathetic, emotionally detached from the world and as so many have put it "heartless".
I knew her since birth. I have very fond memories of our time as children, how we were so carefree and didn't fully grasp the idea of friendship and its importance. There were also a lot of bad memories, but when I try to think back to those exact memories, all I see is a giant blur. I've despised and denied my past for so long that I've completely erased it from my memories. All I know now is that I was an outcast as a child; I was overweight, and kids didn't want to play with me as much as they did with her. I was left out of a lot of activities not only because I wasn't accepted, but because I was also physically incapable of having a normal childhood. I spent most of my time on the computer or playing video games because the real world was so cruel. I established friendships with people online and faked everything about myself for fear that if they knew who they were really talking to, they too would leave me.
I've grown up a lot since then. I didn't turn out the way I wanted to, but I've lied to myself for so long that I've accepted these lies as reality. I tell myself that the reason why people don't want to be friends with me is because they know I won't make time for them, but really, I think I'm too mysterious for their liking; the fact that I don't open up to them is suspicious. I'm hiding who I am and what I've become because I'm lonely enough as it is. If you go back to my earlier post in January (I think it's my third), I say that I really only have 4 friends who genuinely want to hang out with me. Now I have none. Except now it's different. Now I don't care. I don't want friends because with friendship comes trust, and with trust comes lies. And lies end up with someone getting hurt.
I don't want to hurt anymore. It's a very cliche thing to say, but after I lost my friendship with her, I started to drift away from everybody. I figured if somebody who cheered me at my best and comforted me at my worst; somebody who knew everything about me... couldn't even stand the sight of me anymore, there would be no more light at the end of the tunnel.
To this day I tell myself the reason she left me was because of that one incident where we made plans, but I forgot I already had to do something, so I told her "next time", and when my plans for that day were cancelled, I figured I'd take it as a day off to just relax, but when I told her, she wouldn't have it. I had betrayed her.
I tell myself that this is the reason she left me, but I know she's too good of a person to leave for such a simple reason. There's so much more to it, and though I haven't spoken to her in a long time, I will see her again in 18 days.
I just hope she still thinks about me as much as I've thought about her, because I'm terrified of closing this chapter of my life for good. As much as I want closure, I'd still like to lie to myself into believing that the reason for her departure was not entirely on me-- that she had some issues of her own. And hypothetically speaking, if she tells me it isn't completely my fault, I still might not believe it... Everybody lies.
But as long as she's with me, I'm willing to lie to myself for the rest of my life.