Chat logs

On my oldest, functioning computer, I have chat logs extending back to 2006. It's so hauntingly beautiful how much has changed... how much I've changed.
Reading these logs from 2006 to 2011 brings up so many undesirable feelings and memories I thought I had left in the past... and raises so many unanswered questions.
How did I become so heartless as opposed to being so sympathetic when I was younger?
How did I go from loving my ex-best friend to not talking to her anymore?
But from what I observed the most from reading all these logs... why does love hurt so much?

It's horrible to know that the people I have ill feelings towards I hurt less than those I care for, and vice versa. So much has changed... and it's funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back... everything's different.


"We don’t actually fear death. We fear that no one will notice our absence, that we will disappear without a trace"

Star of wonder

If it weren't for me, you might still be alive. And I'm so sorry for that.


Am I the only motherfucker with a brain? I'm hearing voices but all they do is complain...

How many times have you wanted to kill everything and everyone, say you'll do it but never will

Eye can't see

I've always been good at hiding my emotions, but every now and then you noticed the little things. A small sigh under my breath that I didn't even realise I had made, or maybe I didn't put the 'smile' into my eyes quite fast enough. You asked me what was wrong, and I blew it off with a silly, semiplausible excuse like "I'm just really tired" or "ha little sighs are a habit I picked up from my dad, I don't even realise I'm doing it sometimes." I didn't wan't you to worry about me, but it felt good that you asked. It felt good that you showed you noticed, and even more important that you cared.

But you also believed me when I lied, and soon the tiny cues that I was having trouble keeping my head up wen't straight past you and you no longer showed me that you noticed, or that you cared. And I know it's my fault. And now that I've shut that door I have noone else that cares.

Be cheerful

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are the child of the universe no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace.
With all its sham, drudgery, broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful

Humor is humorous

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholism is when drinking is a problem in your life. If my drinking is a problem in your life, then YOU'RE the alcoholic

Current status:

standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take