srsly guise?

i understand how scissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. is paper supposed to magically wrap itself around rock and leave it immobile? why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? screw scissors, why cant paper do this to people? why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? i'll tell you why, because paper cant beat anybody. a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. when i play rock paper scissors i always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper i punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit im sorry, i thought paper would protect you, you asshole!